When we stop seeing the good in our partner

The more I work with couples, the more I notice a similar pattern.

At the beginning of a relationship, we often see our partner’s best qualities: their planning skills, their generosity, or maybe their willingness to help others. But over time, especially under stress or during conflict, we begin to focus on what's lacking. Plus, the very strengths we once admired can start to feel like obstacles to the relationship's harmony.

We begin to complain or criticize:

“You plan too much; we never do anything spontaneous .”

“You’re too generous! You spend money with others, not for us."

“You help everyone else, but I don’t feel like I am a priority to you.”

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What starts to happen? The relationship becomes more secure, so we tend to give ourselves the right to change the other as we feel it's best.

As a result, our focus shifts more to flaws.

We start to complain and criticize, asking for changes.

We assume our perspective is the only valid one and try to persuade our partner accordingly.

And before long, we stop seeing the person. We only see the way they are different then what we expect.

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This shift—from strength to weakness, from You are not ok, I am ok—doesn’t just alter how we think about our partner. It fundamentally changes how we connect.

Conversations become increasingly tense, and appreciation disappears.

On one side, the criticizer becomes bitter and resentful when met with resistance, and on the other hand, the person who's being criticized starts to withdraw, find escape strategies, or retaliate.

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But this doesn’t mean that to keep harmony, we should ignore the things that trouble us.

Focusing only on the positive can lead to avoidance. Unaddressed issues often build into resentment, and without space for honest dialogue, they can erupt when least expected. That isn’t a healthy or sustainable way to manage differences.

The key is not to dismiss the hard stuff, but to hold space for both truths: yours and your partner’s.

“I see your qualities, and I appreciate your uniqueness.”

“And there are things we need to talk about, respectfully.”

This balance is at the heart of meaningful connection, where both people feel seen, heard, and valued.

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Here are a few ways to create space for both strengths and struggles:

Speak to behavior, not character

“I feel bored when we do everything according to a plan,” rather than “You always need to know everything in advance".

Open the conversation with curiosity, not criticism

“What made it difficult to repair the lamp when I asked you to?” instead of “I have to ask you a thousand times to get something fixed".

Focus on patterns, not flaws

“It bothers me that I always have to ask several times before you get something done. Let’s find a solution together!" Rather than “You never do what I ask, you never care.”

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When both partners feel acknowledged for their efforts and their limitations, differences become easier to navigate and integrate into the relationship’s dynamic.

Even in difficult moments, try not to lose sight of the strengths we once cherished in our partner. They are still there; it's our focus that shifts.